Lessons In Death
By: Cindy Miller
“Am I dead?” She asked the two figures beside her. Everything seemed a lot
whiter than normal, surreal, which is why she asked the question. She got a
reply.
“Hell Yeah!” Denny said.
“B-But I can’t be dead.”
“You’re dead.” The bomb guy said, matter of factly.
“B-but I have so much to do...There’s a disaster around the hospital. What
about my John Doe and the little girl...Who’s watching out for them? Who is
helping them?”
“Your John Doe is gonna be fine. You saved his life. And the little girl is
with her mother. She guided Dr. Shepherd to you. He dove down and got you. You
had hypothermia and he tried to do CPR and Mouth-To-Mouth on you, but it didn’t
work. He got you to an ambulance and took you to the hospital where many
doctors worked on you. He stayed for as long as they would let him and didn’t
want to leave. They said he couldn’t do anything more for you. So, he sat
outside the door, upset, worried, grieving... Feeling helpless.”
Her breath caught in her throat. Her heart sank to her stomach. “How is he? Is
he alright? You said he jumped in to save me... The water is cold...He could be
sick, because of me...”
“He is fine. Physically... All he can do is wait. The doctors are doing all
they can for you, using paddles and medicine, giving you blankets... Even Dr.
Montgomery is helping. And Dr. Sloan is sitting right beside Dr. Shepherd,
trying to comfort him, but you know Sloan...”
“He’s a pompous asshole.”
“You know him well... They paged your intern friends. They’re outside the door.
Dr. Yang tried to go in to help. Dr. Burke made her go. For once, she looks
helpless... And Dr. O’Malley is trying not to show it, but he’s crying. Dr.
Karev is spaced out... Seen too many dead bodies today, doesn’t want yours to be
one of them... And Dr. Stevens, she was so happy earlier because she did an
amazing surgery, drilling holes in someone’s skull with a power-drill. But it
doesn’t matter now. She’s sad and upset, but she’s trying to be calm, trying to
calm the others. She’s giving a speech right now. She thinks you’ll get
through this.”
Meredith felt worse and worse as he kept talking. She felt like she was letting
them all down by dying. She wanted her best friend, Christina with her. She
wanted Derek holding her. She didn’t want them to worry, be sad. “Why are they
all so damn sad! We’re doctors. People get sick, and hurt, and they die every
day. Why am I different... Why does this bother them so much?”
“Dr. Grey, not to say that the other deaths don’t mean anything, or hurt them at
all, but it’s different. With anyone else, it’s impersonal. But with family or
friends, it hurts more than anything. You’re their friend. You’re one of them.
If it weren’t your body in the lake, it might be theirs. They realize, again,
that they can die. To George, Izzy, Alex, and Christina, you’re family. You
eat together. George and Izzy live in your house. Christina’s your best friend.
It bothers them. And Derek... It bothers him. You’re not just a friend, you’re
his girlfriend. He loves you more than life itself. And even though he may not
always treat you the best, he loves you, and he feels truly guilty when he hurts
you. He knows he’s messed up. He thinks he doesn’t deserve you. And maybe he
doesn’t, but he’s right outside the door with nothing to do but wait and worry.
Wait for you to die, or to live. All he can do is contemplate what life will be
like without you, his Meredith. Everyone sees it, the way he feels about you.
They know you’re the best thing that ever happened to him... Even Addison knows,
and now, she’s ok with it because he’s happy. She stood over your body and
begged you not to die.”
“What did she say?” She was crying uncontrollably.
“She said, come on, Meredith, don’t do this. When she walked the room and saw
that it was your body on the hospital bed, she said, Oh god! Truly in distress.
She doesn’t hate you. She’s very upset that you’re in this state. And I find it
amazing that Sloan is sitting by Derek and Derek doesn’t mind. Isn’t that
amazing?”
“Yes. Are you telling me that bastard has a heart after-all?”
“That I am. Do you want to see?”
“Yes.” She said. This was something you had to see and hear to believe. And
she saw Derek sitting next to Sloan, looking like there was a hole in his heart.
Christina was almost crying, a rare sight. Izzy was pacing. Alex looked
catatonic, almost. And George, he was crying. In the room, it was a frenzy.
Dr. Burke and Bailey were trying their hardest to revive her poor blue body, and
Addison was looking very upset, trying to come up with a solution. She gave out
several ideas in desperation. The Chief looked like he was losing his daughter
or something. She knew why. Him and her mother had an affair all those years
back. People thought she didn’t know, but she did. Almost every person she
knew was either in the room or outside of it.
“Believe it now?”
“Yes.”
“You are loved, Meredith Grey.”
“Will they be ok, all of them? They all look so sad.”
“You’re not just people, Meredith. You’re Meredith Grey. You’re their friend,
roommate, employee, colleague, lover. You mean something to all these people.
You’re not just another person. You’re a fine doctor, Meredith. I usually
don’t give out this kind of life info, but for you, I will. Had you lived, you
would keep being an intern, work your way up the chain, one day become Chief of
Surgery.”
“Seriously? Seriously!” Her eyes lit up.
“Seriously. You were going to be just fine. And before I forget, Christina has
something to tell you, but I can’t tell you.”
She gave him a dirty look. “I’m dead. She can’t tell me now.”
“Ok... Ok... Her and Dr. Burke are engaged. She was going to tell you. She was
looking for you. She told Burke not to tell anyone until she told you, but he
thought she already talked to you, so he told Derek and then she got pissed.
Burke told Derek not to say anything, and he didn’t but the Chief heard...”
“She’s angry.”
“Yes. Very.”
“But I’m so happy for them. They’ll be fine.”
“Yes, but Derek will never be fine. You were the only one he truly loved. Even
Sloan and Addison realize that. They care enough about him to know that he’s
happy with you. They want you to stay around. And they care about you too.
You’re the last person they want to see die, all of them. Derek is really
hurting.”
She broke down again. This was horrible. For her own life’s sake, she didn’t
care about dying... It wasn’t like for herself she needed to be alive. She
wanted to live for Derek and Christina, Izzy, Alex and George. She wanted to
live for the hospital and her mother. How was her mother? Would she be ok?
Would she remember her daughter? Denny, who hadn’t said anything since they
started this conversation about death, said, “You’re mother will have her good
days and bad days, like normal. Some days, she’ll remember you, and others, she
won’t.”
Meredith couldn’t really expect anything different. She knew how her mother
was. If she could have anything from her mother, it would be, for her to accept
that Meredith was happy, and that she could do both, be a doctor and a
girlfriend. She could be happy, and still carry on being a doctor. She could
do that and she wanted her mother to realize that, be ok with it. She wanted
her to like Derek.
“My mother knew, without him saying anything directly related to their
relationship, that he was my boyfriend... She has ways... And she was not ok
with it. She yelled at him. She accused him of being the reason I’m so
indecisive, and of damaging my career. She was so awful... But... I was awful
too... Not then, but today... I was in a really foul mood this morning. He was
just trying to see what was the matter and I jumped all over him. He tried to
ask me what was wrong. He asked if it was something he did. No. Something I
did. No. Then he said, Do you wanna get married? I was shocked. No, I don’t want
to get married. I looked at him like he was a lunatic. I was so thrown off by
it... I had been thinking about it when my mom said my having a boyfriend, my
being in love was hurting my career, and that she was disappointed in me. I
want to get married... I love Derek... I just am afraid that maybe my mom is
right. I don’t want her to be right. I think I can handle it. I’m handling
it. Derek knows what it’s like. He was married before. They were both
doctors... They are still doctors. They aren’t together, but still, Derek knows
and understands. I want to prove my mom wrong... but this morning, I almost
proved her right. I was snotty and nasty to him. I let my mom get to me.” She
looked into space. Then she realized in horror, “The last thing I said to Derek
was, No, I don’t want to get married. That’s awful. I’m a terrible person...”
She was really upset.
“What is this? She’s hypothermic, unconscious, no pulse, but she’s crying?
That doesn’t make any sense. Does it?” The Chief said, more than a little
shocked.
“We know she’s sick, but I think she has a broken heart.” Addison said, looking
at her face. Her eyes were closed, but her eyelids were twitching a little.
“Could it be something that happened before the accident? A trigger? A fight,
argument, a death, sickness. Something she said? Something someone else said?”
Dr. Bailey said. Addison looked at Bailey, the Chief, and then at Burke.
“Someone, go ask Derek what the last thing she said to him was. That could be
it.”
They looked at her for a moment, as if they weren’t sure that was the best idea,
but Burke stepped out and went straight to Derek, asking him. He lifted his
head and said, “The last thing Mere said to me was, No, I don’t want to get
married. I only asked because she was perturbed about something, and nothing I
could think of, was what she was mad about. So, I picked something that I had
been thinking about. The two of us have been together a long time, and we love
each other... I thought that maybe she was waiting for me to commit or
something... I don’t know. I don’t understand women. We aren’t supposed to.
But, yeah, that’s the last thing she said to me. Why are you asking?”
“Here’s something we don’t have in our medical journals. She isn’t breathing.
She has no pulse. She is severely hypothermic, but yet, she’s crying. Can you
explain that?”
“A broken heart? She’s dying of a broken heart?”
“Not necessarily. It’s the hypothermia, but I think the stress isn’t helping.
Were there any recent conflicts with you and her, or with anyone here, family?”
“Um... She’s been mad about something, but she won’t tell me what... You know
how she is. It was a little tense with us, but that was the only thing, with me
anyway... I do remember her saying something about fighting with her mother, and
that her mother didn’t approve of Mere having a boyfriend. Guilty there, I
guess.”
“That could do it. Did you talk to her mother, when you told her about the
study?”
“I did... Oh...” And he remembered. He stood up. “She asked me a question like
why I couldn’t give her more answers, and I said that I wasn’t an Alzheimer’s
expert. She asked me why I was in charge of her case. I tried not to say it,
but she dragged it out of me, and I said that her daughter asked me to. That
was all I said, and she knew. She yelled at me... Said I was the bastard who
was screwing up her daughter’s life. That’s why Mere hadn’t picked an area to
specialize in. She was too busy being in love. So silly. You know, until that
day, I didn’t realize why Meredith was scared of her mother. She seemed ok to
me, from what I heard from other people... She was a great surgeon. But she can
be a real bitch.”
“I think you hit the nail on the head... I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
He went back inside. They looked at him. “The last thing she said to Derek was
No, I don’t want to get married. He only asked because nothing else seemed to be
the reason she was mad. They had been going out a while, maybe she wanted a
commitment. That wasn’t the case, at least on the surface. I think Meredith’s
main problem and stress is related to her mother. They had a fight that day
when she was lucid. Ellis didn’t want Meredith to have a boyfriend because it
would hurt her career, make her ordinary... And you know that Ellis hates
ordinary. Meredith was in love, and that didn’t make Mom too happy. She hasn’t
picked a field. Mom’s not happy. It’s the boyfriend’s fault. Then the
boyfriend and Mom meet because he’s the head of her case. He’s not an
Alzheimer’s specialist. Why is he the head of her case? Her daughter asked
him. Whoops! Big mistake. Mom has ways, she figured it out. He’s the
boyfriend, everything is his fault and she hates him.”
“That sounds like Ellis. Great surgeon, not much of a warm loving parent.” The
Chief said.
Addison whispered in Meredith’s ear, “I understand. Mother’s acceptance is all
we need. We want them to be proud of us. We want them to love who we love...
But sometimes, they don’t. We can’t do anything about that. We can just follow
our hearts. That’s all we can do.”
“I do want to marry him. Now he’ll never know it. And Christina, my best
friend... She’ll never know how thrilled I am about her and Burke getting
married. I know I constantly bore her with my problems, and go on and on about
my McDreamy and my love life...”
“She understands.” Bomb Guy said. Then Denny smiled. “Now this is my favorite
part... This is where I come in. Meredith Grey, you can tell them yourself in
just a little while. You needed to be able to think about things and have a
unbiased third party help you sort through it all. I think, down on earth,
Addison gave you some good advice. She said that we want our parents approval.
We want them to like and love who we like and love. We want their approval, and
for them to be happy for us, but sometimes, it doesn’t work that way, and we
can’t do anything about it. All we can do is follow our hearts. You are loved.
You mean something to a lot of people. And right now, someone is thinking of a
cure. They are acting on it. It should work in a minute. Can you do me a
favor?”
“Yeah... What?”
“When you get back, tell Izzy that I love her, and I’m proud of her. I wouldn’t
have my money spent any better than her, with the clinic and all. That’s a
really great idea.”
“I’ll tell her. But seriously, I’m gonna wake up?”
“Yes. And here’s some more advice, I didn’t make it up. This for you and Derek.
Tell him. Tell him that the sun and moon rise in his eyes. Reach out to him.
Whisper tender words so soft and sweet. Hold him close to feel his heartbeat.
Love will be the gift you give yourself.”
“That’s a Celine Dion song, with Barbra Streisand. I’ll take the song’s
advice.”
“Good, are you ready?”
“Yes. I’m ready.”
“Now, go back. Be safe.” And they both waved her off. She was starting to feel
real again. She light changed, and the temperature. She heard voices. She
heard Burke say, “I don’t want to say it, but I think she’s gone... Should we
call it?”
Then Bailey said, “No, she has five minutes... Until we have to call it. Maybe
the meds’ll kick in.”
Meredith couldn’t give up. She didn’t want to be really dead. It was hard, but
she worked on opening her eyes. They felt like they’d been frozen shut. She
kept working on it. She raised her hand a little, but no one saw it. She then,
had an urge to cough, and when she did, she coughed up water, choking. Someone
got her to stop choking. And she heard, “Meredith!” She couldn’t place the
voice. She opened her eyes and saw them all around and they looked at her,
relieved. And then, smiling, Bailey said, “Welcome back, Merey.” She brushed
Meredith’s bangs out of her face.
“We thought you were dead.”
“Me too. I think I was, for a moment...I saw that bomb guy, and Denny... They
said I was dead.”
“How is death?”
“It sucks. At least, this did. If I’m to die, I want to do it on a guilt-free
conscious. I’ve been a real bitch lately. My mom pisses me off. And I’m mad at
her, and she’s mad at me, when she can remember me. And then I take it out on
people. Innocent people. Anyhow.. I have too much unfinished business to die
right now.”
“Good. We don’t want you to be dead either. You should talk to Christina
sometime when you’re up to it.” Burke said.
“Yeah. I’ll do that.” She smiled weakly. Then she shivered. “It’s so damn
cold.”
“Well you fell in the lake. I think it was about thirty degrees when you fell
in. You still have hypothermia.”
“Bomb guy told me I fell in.”
Addison got her another blanket. “He also told me what you said... Thanks...”
“Y-you’re welcome. I don’t want you to die either. It actually doesn’t bother me
that you’re with Derek... I know he’s happy, and that’s all that matters. He
was just existing before he met you. I haven’t seen him so happy in years. I
just want him to be happy.”
And Meredith could only say, “Thank you.” and start to cry.
“Don’t do that. I’m over it. Here...” She said, hugging her and wiping her eyes
with a tissue. Everyone was in shock. When it ended, Addison looked at her.
“Look, color is starting to come back.”
“Good. I don’t want to look like a blue raspberry Icee.”
“This is good. Are you up for visitors?”
“Yes. Send them all in, and then I’ll just need a moment with Derek, and
Christina, and Izzy.”
“Ok...” He said. Everyone else filed out and Meredith saw through the glass
that all of them looked scared at first that they were going to say she was
dead. But then, she saw all of them smile or look relieved. They all gasped in
happy shock. Then all of the interns started to come in. She laughed a little.
“Hi.” She said.
“We thought you were gone.” Izzy had the look in her eye.
“It seemed so hopeless. You were all blue.” Alex said.
“Oh, my God! Meredith, don’t you ever scare me like that again!” Christina went
to her friend, hugging her, and then, George said, “I’m glad you’re alive,
Meredith. Izzy was right. You can, you did get through this. I think we’ll all
survive.” He took her had in his and held it for a moment. “You’re gonna make
it.” Then, he let her hand go. Then, she saw, through the window that Burke was
done talking to Derek, and he came in, looking just so relieved that she was
alive and reasonably well. He went right to her. “Meredith...” All he could do
was hug her and kiss her, just glad she was alive.
“That’s our cue to leave.” Alex said, leading everyone out. Once they were all
gone, she turned to him. “Heard you jumped in the lake to save me.”
“How? You were-“
“I was dead...Yes... The Bomb Guy told me. I know this sounds crazy but he told
me lots of things. He said that you gave me CPR and Mouth-to-Mouth until
everyone made you leave.” She smiled. “Thank you for everything. And I’m
sorry...about before...When I said I didn’t want to get married. I was a bitch,
and I’m sorry. I do want to get married, I just- my mom thinks that I am
throwing my life away. My being in love is a waste of time and talent... I was
upset, and I was scared... I was caught off guard. But then, I realized that I’m
not my mother, I’m not Ellis Grey, I’m Meredith Grey. I can be happy and be a
doctor. I can be in love and be a doctor. Right? Who the hell decided that
doctors can’t be happy in their lives? Who said that we all have to be serious,
boring nerds? I didn’t. I’m not going to be lonely and sad. I don’t understand
it. I just want to be happy and in love.”
“It’s ok, you know... I’m just relieved and so happy that you’re alive. I know
I’ve been a jerk sometimes, Mere. But, I love you. And although I don’t know
why the hell you’re mad most of the time, always know that I love you, I’ll be
there, and I want to understand you.”
“I know that. Sometimes, I just don’t show it...” Then she took his hand and
whispered to him, “The sun and moon rise in your eyes.” She held his hand closer
to her. “I love you too, Derek, very much... And I know that if you want to ask
me sometime, I’m here. I kinda owe it to you. You helped save my life. I was
nasty to you this morning, and I’m sorry. It wasn’t your fault. And owe you
because you saved me.” She held him close and felt his heartbeat. “Life’s a
miracle, isn’t it?”
“Yes.” He smiled. “It is.”
She thought a moment and then took a deep breath, looking into his eyes. “Derek,
I know we’re in the hospital, and it’s highly inappropriate, but, can we, um...?
You know...”
“Are you sure? You were dead a minute ago.”
“Sure... But I’m freezing, I’ve been angry for a week, haven’t been much in the
mood, but now I am. I know this will warm me up.” She looked into his eyes.
“Come on, McDreamy.”
He chuckled a little at the nickname, and then said, “Ok.”
...
Sloan leaned into the door because he had heard strange noises coming from the
room. Everyone else was talking and didn’t notice. He knew what it sounded
like. He looked in the window and then turned back around, laughing. “I think
Dead Girl is gonna be alright.”
Everyone else looked at him, confused. “The Attending and The Intern are
engaging in sexual activity in that very room.”
They all tried to crowd to the window, all except Izzy, and George. They
already knew how it went. Everyone was either giggling, chuckling, or gasping.
Izzy rolled her eyes, “So they have hot sex! Get used to it. We have. Just
about every night, sometimes more than once. A little more than a week ago,
they were doing it and then all of a sudden, all noises stopped and I heard
whispering. I think he was needing a drink and decided to go to the bathroom
while he was up, and she just started laughing for some odd reason... Must be an
inside joke. But seriously guys, calm down, leave them alone.”
“Ok... Ok.. It is funny though.”
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